A Writer’s Guide to Desire

My latest obsession is the Broadway musical Dear Evan Hansen. I like the show for a lot of reasons, but here I want to focus on how well one scene captures a particular feeling with which many of us are familiar. In one of the plotlines, the title character, Evan, is a lonely high school student who longs for the attention of another student, Zoe. For much of the story her affection seems like a hopeless impossibility, but then things change. In a song called “Only Us,” Zoe reveals her feelings to Evan. He doesn’t have to try to win her heart, she tells him. It’s already his. Here’s the scene from the movie version, starring Ben Platt and Kaitlyn Dever. This feeling of acceptance, and the desire for it, goes beyond romantic relationships. Congresswoman-elect Hillary Scholten’s recent victory speech here in Michigan’s Third District brought tears to my eyes in part because it included some of that same feeling. The subtext I heard in what she said was full of that sort of unexpected ecstasy: “You like me! You want me! You accept me!”

A Writerly Desire

Writers too have a fervent desire for acceptance. Writers want an agent to agree to represent them. They want a publisher to offer them a book deal. They want positive reviews. They want the affirmation of a growing audience. They want awards and bestseller status. They want the adulation of fellow writers. They want sales! When writers receive any of these kinds of acceptance, the resulting feeling can be intoxicating, eliciting a buzz that is right up there with requited love or winning an election! This desire is so strong among writers, I think it’s important to consider it carefully.

Working with Desire

Psychologists and mindfulness experts talk about how helpful it can be to “work with” a desire or craving. This idea of “working with” is empowering. It means essentially not just having an emotion but becoming aware of it, getting curious about it, and making deliberate choices about how to respond to it. Below I’d like to sketch out some tips that might be helpful to you as you work with this desire in your own life.

Get Curious

The desire for acceptance is real, and it’s healthy to notice it, to explore it a bit. Here’s a question to consider: In relation to what is this desire strongest for you right now? Is it related to landing an agent or book deal? Is it more about being recognized as an authority? Mind you, the desire for these things is not bad. On the contrary, it’s natural! Just notice it and try to understand it more.

Beware the Strange

Sometimes this desire for acceptance can make us do strange things—things that are not in keeping with who we are. It’s short-sighted to trade your integrity for what you think will garner the acceptance you crave.

Your Part, Their Part

We probably can’t (maybe we shouldn’t) get rid of this desire, but ultimately its fulfillment is not within our control. We cannot control, for example, how others will respond to what we’ve written.

Lean into Generosity

The desire for acceptance is not bad in itself, but it can divert a lot of energy away from the work we feel called to do. I’ve seen it become an obsession that sabotages writers. It can be a form of what Steven Pressfield calls “Resistance,” which is to say it can be a negative force that tries to stop us from fulfilling our dreams. One of the healthiest things we can do with this desire is to convert it into acts of generosity—the generosity of serving our audience. Ultimately that’s what writing is all about. Where do you notice this desire for acceptance in your writing life?